Happiness is a Choice...except for when it isn't.
What if Happiness no longer feels like a choice?
That is what I have been experiencing these past few weeks. My feeling happy has been non-existent.
The idea that happiness truly doesn't feel like a choice is just as much a reality as it was that I had an appendicitis. I didn't choose to have an appendicitis, nor would I ever choose that...it's an awful, painful feeling. Neither would I choose the way I've been feeling: sad (so many tears), worthless, hopeless, failure, no desire to see anyone or go anywhere, no desire to do the things I normally would love to do, etc. For the most part, I have stayed home, literally unable to get up and face anything. I'm grateful for those that have come and got me or given me a reason to get up and get out...I have done so on occasion, but with such great effort and afterwards I come home feeling so exhausted and drained, physically and emotionally.
Going to church has been the most difficult...And to be honest, the one thing that has helped get me to church is my testimony of my Savior Jesus Christ and my great desire to go and partake of the sacrament and remember Him and His great atoning sacrifice. But I never thought going to church would be hard for me. I never could have imagined that it would be so hard for me to get dressed for church and walk through those doors, with the awful feeling of not wanting to see anyone burning deep inside.
And I am just now realizing the reality of what I'm dealing with: hormonal depression, as a result of surgical menopause.
Surgical menopause heightens the risk of developing depression because of the drastic, rather than gradual, drop in estrogen.
Depression. It's not a choice. It's a disease.
Elder Holland speaks of "“major depressive disorder”—or, more commonly, “depression.” He said, "When I speak of this, I am not speaking of bad hair days, tax deadlines, or other discouraging moments we all have. Everyone is going to be anxious or downhearted on occasion. The Book of Mormon says Ammon and his brethren were depressed at a very difficult time, and so can the rest of us be. But today I am speaking of something more serious, of an affliction so severe that it significantly restricts a person’s ability to function fully, a crater in the mind so deep that no one can responsibly suggest it would surely go away if those victims would just square their shoulders and think more positively—though I am a vigorous advocate of square shoulders and positive thinking!"
Just as my appendicitis wouldn't go away by simply thinking more positively, neither will this depression I'm suffering from go away without necessary help.
Yet these past weeks, I've been thinking, what's wrong with? Just get up, just face this! And then I saw those words: "Happiness is a choice" and it hit me that happiness truly hasn't felt like a choice. I feel like life is moving forward without me and I am stuck, stuck where I can't get out without help. And besides not feeling like a choice, happiness simply feels out of my reach.
I went into the hospital with one type of infection (appendicitis), and left the hospital with another infection, depression.
"So how do you best respond when mental or emotional challenges confront you or those you love? Above all, never lose faith in your Father in Heaven, who loves you more than you can comprehend. As President Monson said to the Relief Society sisters so movingly last Saturday evening: “That love never changes. … It is there for you when you are sad or happy, discouraged or hopeful. God’s love is there for you whether or not you feel you deserve [it]. It is simply always there.” Never, ever doubt that, and never harden your heart. Faithfully pursue the time-tested devotional practices that bring the Spirit of the Lord into your life. Seek the counsel of those who hold keys for your spiritual well-being. Ask for and cherish priesthood blessings. Take the sacrament every week, and hold fast to the perfecting promises of the Atonement of Jesus Christ. Believe in miracles. I have seen so many of them come when every other indication would say that hope was lost. Hope is never lost. If those miracles do not come soon or fully or seemingly at all, remember the Savior’s own anguished example: if the bitter cup does not pass, drink it and be strong, trusting in happier days ahead.
If things continue to be debilitating, seek the advice of reputable people with certified training, professional skills, and good values. Be honest with them about your history and your struggles. Prayerfully and responsibly consider the counsel they give and the solutions they prescribe. If you had appendicitis, God would expect you to seek a priesthood blessing and get the best medical care available. So too with emotional disorders. Our Father in Heaven expects us to use all of the marvelous gifts He has provided in this glorious dispensation." (Elder Holland)
Why is it that there was no question for me to get medical help for my appendicitis. But when these feelings of depression came, I felt there was something wrong with me as an individual?
Maybe those feelings come with the depression and are part of the nature of the disease, which may explain why it's so hard for people to get the appropriate help when it comes to depression. I feel this is one reason why the command to pray always is so helpful. And the idea that when you least feel like praying is when you should pray the most. I'm here to tell you that I haven't felt like praying and at times it's just been a prayer in my heart as I lay in bed. And they certainly haven't been long, but have merely consisted of the words: "Father in Heaven, please help me. I don't know what I need, but please help me." I feel I got an answer to prayer when I saw those words this morning "Happiness is a choice" and realized the reality of what I'm facing...and as I have pondered those words, I have been guided and helped to get on the path to receiving the help I need.
I have been and am holding fast to the hope of Jesus Christ and the gospel truths and the spiritual practices that bring the spirit. I am so grateful for my testimony of Jesus Christ and these spiritual practices. It is that testimony that is helping me push through this...although even that is hard and so much harder amidst such depression.
Although right now happiness doesn't feel like a choice, my Savior and Friend, Jesus Christ, wants me to be happy. And I will place HOPE in the fact that He wants me to be happy and that He understands and will help me and guide me until I find that place where happiness does feel like a choice and is within my reach. As I pray and seek His help, I believe He will help me get the help I need, medically and otherwise. Because of Him, we can overcome ALL things...I believe that with all my heart. I know that He can and will help me overcome this because of the infinite virtue of His great atoning sacrifice.
